Q Dear Auntie Pearl, I’m a 21-year-old female and I have two kids.
The one is now almost a year old and other is turning four.
I got married at a young age and the problem is now I must always look after the children, it’s 24/7, this thing.
I don’t have a problem as it’s my duty, but what about my husband, their father?
All he does is work, eat, sleep and he never spends time with us.
He’d rather go with his friends. What if I get pregnant again?
This marriage is so boring and I’m on the point of telling him I’m ready to leave him.
Then at least I know I must look after them full time.
What do you think? Is it a good idea or what?
From Very confused.
A Shame meisie, Auntie can hear you are confused, gatvol, tired, angry and done with this man - and Auntie doesn’t blame you one bit, girl.
Being married young, looking after the kids, and your husband paying you no attention - it seems you’ve been living for him and the laaities and not for yourself.
Now meisie, it has to be said you should have known what you were getting into having kids - taking care of them isn’t child’s play!
Being a mother and having to take care of and raising children is a full-time job, and the hardest one there is.
And having to be the parent who is responsible for putting food on the table and bringing in the moola (like your husband is), is also stressful.
Auntie isn’t here to choose sides or defend your hubby nuh, but maybe the ou is just so tired and gatvol of work, and stressed as he is the breadwinner, and daai’s why you say “all he does is work, eat, sleep and he never spends time with us”.
As for him going to his buddies, maybe he just wants to blow off some steam and relax.
But on the other hand, he also needs to spend time with you and his laaities.
It’s complex meisie, and it really sounds like you two need to sit down and talk things over because a lot of things are getting lost between you and it doesn’t sound like there’s a lot of communication.
Really talking and listening to each other, and being honest, is key to any relationship. Especially marriage.
There are a few things Auntie thinks would be wise for you to do, the first of which would be to get your hands on good birth control - whether it’s the pill, the patch, the ring, condoms or even getting sterilised.
You cannot afford to get pregnant again soon, your future is too uncertain.
So get to your local clinic, a Clicks pharmacy that has a sister on call, or one of the Cape Town-based Marie Stopes Clinics.
Auntie does not think your situation warrants such a drastic move like leaving this man.
For the sake of your marriage and your kids, try to work things out first, and Auntie really feels you have a lot going for you.
Your hubby has been providing well for you and the children, that tells Auntie that he’s a good guy.
You are both young and just need a little bit of guidance.
Now, if you leave him, he will give maintenance, but that may not be enough and you will have to go find a job.
Then you need to find someone to watch your kids and pay them for it.
Think carefully and wisely about divorce, otherwise you and your kids could land up on the street.
Tell your husband you are unhappy about the current situation, and just like him, you too need a time-out and “me time”.
Make an agreement with him - for every time he goes to his friends, you look after the kids,and then you go out with your friends, and he needs to look after the children.
You should also get a babysitter and go out alone, to find your old romantic spark and reconnect as a couple.
If you feel you need an intervention and marriage counselling, you can contact your local church or mosque, or any of the following people:
Sister Incorporated: 021 797 4190 or 062 532 4427
FAMSA: 021 447 7951 / 082 231 0373
LifeLine: 0800 150 150