Q Hi Auntie, please help me get over this big thing that I am still struggling with.
It’s been more than 10 years since my marriage fell apart. You guessed it, my ex-hubby had an affair.
I know Auntie gets a ton of messages about jollers (hoekom is mans so vrot?), but my situation is a bit more intense.
I never knew who the jolmeit was, and I thought I could move on. And in some ways I have, because I have a new man in my life and we are engaged even.
What really helped me during the tough times, or rather who helped me, was my friend and neighbour “Gale”. She was always there for me.
Oh Lord, you won’t believe it Auntie, or maybe you saw it coming… it recently came out that her husband is not the father of one of her sons.
Like a story straight out of a soapie, it turns out that Gale was the one pomping my sleg ex.
I only had one talk with Gale after I found all this out.
She tried to apologise, maar my bors was te warm en I told her to stick her apology where the sun doesn’t shine, and by that I don’t mean druk dit in waar my ex dit gedruk het.
Auntie, I am not proud of how I reacted, but thinking of her being all besties with me while she was the one causing the k@k in the first place was too much.
My fiancé thinks I should forgive and forget and move on, since it’s been a decade. But how do I let go of such a stab in the back?
I miss my friend, but I also hate her for what she did. I feel so stupid and betrayed.
Wat maak ‘n mens nou?
From Stabbed in the Back
A Although the end of your marriage was technically a long time ago, this is brand-new information for you, and it’s premature for your fiancé to counsel forgiveness and letting it go.
This revelation changes everything about how you experienced comfort and solace during an absolutely devastating time in your life from someone you considered a close friend.
You’re not a fool for having trusted a friend who offered you comfort – you couldn’t possibly have known or guessed that Gale was having your ex’s child – and you shouldn’t rush to get over this just because it happened 10 years ago.
And it makes sense that you feel a thousand conflicting emotions about this woman because this information changes every interaction the two of you have had over the past decade.
You were brutally honest with Gale, but I don’t think you crossed the line from anger to cruelty, so you have no reason to regret your own conduct.
Allow yourself a lot of time to feel hurt, angry, bewildered, and upset.
Give yourself permission to discuss this with other close friends, to write about it, to even see a counsellor.
Find ways to name and address and heal the specific wounds you’ve had to carry over the loss of these relationships.
“Letting it go” doesn’t mean pretending you weren’t hurt or acting like you no longer care.
At its best, it means that you will not use your own pain to justify harming or lashing out against others and that someday, this will not feel like the most crucial, central emotional fact of your life.
Good luck meisie.