Q
Dear Auntie Pearl, for 12 years I dated a guy, he is my brother-in-law’s best friend.
It was all kwaai until the last two years when he became abusive.
The problem is that even though I have broken up with him, he always finds a way back into my life, by sweet-talking my sister and her hubby.
They have in the past let the friendship die, but then my ex finds them and they become close again.
I have tried to talk to my ex so we can be fine in the same friend group, but he is a vark and makes things uncomfortable every time we are at the same place.
He has ruined parties with his behaviour, and now sometimes I am not even invited to stuff because the people don’t want us both there.
My sister and her husband think I am the problem because I broke up with him. They do not want to believe me about the abuse.
What must I do? I want a relationship with my sister, but my ex is making it impossible.
From Susan
A
First off Susan, let Auntie just tell you that you made the correct decision by dumping this gemors. He sounds like a real sleg boyfriend.
The fact that he’s all close and buddy-buddy with your sister is nogal a complication, but it does not have to be an ongoing fight.
You need to realise from the viewpoint of people who were not in the relationship, in other words everyone except you and your ex, there are two sides to a story.
One of the reasons scum like your abusive ex gets away with it, is because hulle is tweegevriet– with you they are varke, but in front of other people they are all charming and play the loving boyfriend or husband.
It can be a challenge to get others to see the situation through your eyes.
Abuse – verbal or physical – is no joking matter, and if he really is guilty of treating you badly, you need to let it be known.
Keep your cool, though; and don’t go shouting and skelling at an event otherwise people will take you for the onbeskofte one in the relationship
You need to sit down with your sister and her hubby, and tell them the whole story.
Speak to them honestly about what he did to you, and make it clear that seeing him is painful for you.
They need to know who they are friends with.
But please keep in mind this may not change their minds and they could choose to remain friends with this man.
If it’s important to you that they believe you, you could always go the legal route and open a case with the police.
Let the law deal with this abusive vark.
But if this is all just about social supremacy and wanting to be invited to a jol or two, maybe it’s time to erase him from your life completely.
You can do this by making new friends and stop hanging out with your mutual acquaintances.
Why would you want to be friends with people who do not have your back?
Hayibo, girl, dis nie hoe ware pêlle is met mekaar nie!
As for your sister, it’s best to check beforehand whether this man will be at an event so you can bow out in time.
Rather see your sister at other times.