Q Dear Auntie Pearl, I know everyone has been having a tough year and that it only gets worse during the very end of the year, but I’m seriously struggling.
My thing has actually been coming on for a long time, not just recently.
In fact, it all started over a decade and a half ago when I was just 11 years old.
That was when my parents divorced.
Back then I decided to stay with my dad because I thought he was the best guy on earth.
I almost never saw my mom, because we moved to another province.
That’s of course not the whole story - I did not want to see my mom because of the way my father spoke about her.
He called her a jintoe and said she was the reason they broke up because she jolled around and suiped at the shebeen and got morsig.
Fast forward another couple of years, and I learned the truth: He was the one that was jumping in someone else’s bed.
When I found out about his liegstories, I was obviously die moer in.
I packed my bag and gooied a lange to go live with my mom.
Now it’s another couple of years later… and my dad wants us all to be a happy family again.
He doesn’t want my mom back, because he has a new vrou (who I do not like at all).
Auntie, I have also moved out of my mommy’s house because I have a job and live on my own.
It’s been a lonely couple of months because we are scared of the virus, so I don’t see my mom a lot.
Thinking of being a family is often in my gedagtes.
But I am not sure if I should forgive my father.
He was the reason the marriage fell apart, and he lied to me, his only son, for years.
What should I do? Sometimes I feel I should just cut him out of my life completely. Other times I want a relationship.
From Desperate in Dieprivier
A Sjoe, what a sad story to read. Auntie’s heart is klopping in her keel.
Listen sweetie, you are absolutely right that this is a heavy time of the year for many people.
We tend to reflect on the year that is behind us, and often we see that it’s not been a kwaai one.
We tend to focus on what went wrong, the things we failed at, the dreams we did not accomplish.
Then we look forward to the new year and imagine how things can be different, what we want to change, en al sulke dinge.
It’s tough on us, emotionally and mentally.
And this year has been especially hard. You mos read in Auntie’s letters and all over the Daily Voice how swaar it’s been for us South Africans.
But let’s not talk too generally, let’s tackle your problem.
Going back to the start all those years ago: Young children tend to see their parents as perfect, unless things are really bad - especially a boy and his father.
Just think how often you hear laaities talking about “my father is stronger than yours” and “my daddy can run faster than yours” and so on and so on.
But as children grow up they become more realistic.
And the reality is that your daddy has let you down.
The thing with a divorce is that the children should come first, and the parents should never criticise the other one in front of you.
This makes it difficult to know who the kids can love and trust.
So, since this is exactly what your father has done, it would be unrealistic to expect you to be one big, happy family.
But cutting him out of your life is probably not the solution.
There’s a long road ahead for your relationship, which you basically have to build from scratch.
Auntie thinks this is what you should tell him.
Let him know his fantasy of a happy ending as if nothing went skeef will never be reality, but that you still want him in your life.
Just because you can’t see your parents all the time in person, does not mean you can’t communicate.
We mos live in 2020 - almost 2021 - and there are tons of ways to stay in touch, so start emailing each other, video call, or create a new WhatsApp group.
After the vrot year we’ve had, we could all use as many family and friends as possible.