The Cape Flats is infamous for negative things like crime, gangsters and drugs.
But it's also famous for a whole lot of positive things.
It's a place brimming with talent and culture.
Flats mense have a sense of humour that's second to none, we have our own language - Afrikaaps. Our own newspaper, the Daily Voice.
And our own cuisine - the jewel in the crown being the Gatsby. The king of the fast food jungle, roaring with flavour.
Cape coloured culture has become popularised over the past few years, with the help of local entertainers and social media.
So much so that you'll hear white laaities on the street greet each other with "Are where ma brew", which is English for "Aweh, my broe".
It seems everyone wants a slice of coloured culture, which was probably the thinking when SABC3 breakfast show, Expresso, did a food segment on the Gatsby.
Two segments, in fact, both of which bombed.
The first was "The Big Fry Gatsby", which was described as "one of Mzansi’s family favourites... which can satisfy even the healthiest of appetites".
This sturvy sandwich consisted of half a ciabatta bread, topped with air-fried chips, lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, BBQ sauce and mayonnaise, with a Fry’s vegan boerewors perched neatly on top.
Fast food fans were like, "Ha-ah. This is not a gatsby“, followed by several Afrikaaps expletives.
"So Expresso apologised and promised to "head back to school".
"Tune in [next] Monday as we make an authentic Mzansi-Favourite Gatsby with the pros," they said.
The pro turned out to be HK Food Emporium owner Hudaa Khan, but the results were equally under-whelming.
This time they served up a plat broodjie "filled" with three viennas, maybe like 10 chips, three fried eggs and some lettuce, tomato and cucumber.
So, basically, a starter before you dala a real gatsby.
Expresso headed back to school but clearly hadn't learnt their lesson.
Look, if you're looking for a "gatsby pro", you won't find them in the kitchen of a fine dining restaurant, or a Constantia organic market.
We understand that shows have sponsors and brand partners en wietie wattie to please, but if you're going to do gatsbies, do it right. Don’t insult and try to gentrify our culture.
Speak to the mense at Super Fisheries in Athlone for kwaai polony and calamari gatsbies; Cosy Corner in Wynberg does a duidelike steak nommer; you can't go wrong with Golden Dish in Gatesville and Mariam's Kitchen in town.
Other honourable mentions include Bona Fast Food in Grassy Park and Cape to Curry in Lansdowne.
You can thank me for the free advertising later.
Apologies to the other lekker take-aways that I've neglected to mention.
Need more food for thought? Visit The Gatsby Society on Facebook.
And, hoor hie Expresso, here are some other pointers to help you discern the difference between an authentic gatsby and something out of a Woolies deli.
- Firstly, if it's called a sandwich, French loaf or sub, it's not a gatsby. Gatsby or "gebba" are the preferred nomenclature.
- If it's described as "healthy, wholesome, nutritious" or "fragrant", it's not a gatsby.
- Real gatsby are described as "a vuil dite, smet, mossag (not morsig)" and "onbeskof".
– Real gatsbies come wrapped in glossy, non-stick paper, ma se kind - not on wooden cutting boards.
- Los the relish, pickles, jams and rocket. Real gatsbies are drenched in either peri-peri, tomato sauce and atchar. Vinegar and thousand island sauce for seafood gatsbies.
- It needs to be gelaai, bursting, with slap chips falling out the sides. Like a Metrorail train during a taxi strike. You wys?
- It must be so mossag that you'll need both hands to hold your stuk. Don't bring a knife and fork to a gatsby fight, ek se.
- A proper gatsby must be able to fill at least three hungry tummies. Don’t be a giemba (glutton). Get your brasse or colleagues to “put by”.
- And when you're klaar with a real gatsby, you’ll tell yourself, "Yoh, it was a mistake to order a gatsby", right before you go looking for a quiet corner to go doss.