Q: Dear Auntie Pearl, my neighbour's braai smoke is driving me insane! Elke bleddie naweek is dit dieselfde ding – clouds of smoke fill my entire house, and I can't even open the windows for fresh air.
I've tried talking to him nicely, but he just laughs it off and says it's part of the braai culture.
Am I being a grumpy ou vrou? Is there a way to deal with this neighbourly nuisance without causing a fight?
From Fuming Felicia
A: Shame Felicia! A good braai is a thing of beauty, but nobody wants this geroekte situation of living in a smokehouse.
Before you resort to fighting fire with fire, Auntie wants you to try the neighbourly approach again. But this time, don’t go over when the vuurtjie is lit and the smoke is making your bors warm.
We all know how it goes at a braai… it usually goes hand in hand with a paar doppe. Now Auntie is not saying your neighbour is a suiplap or anything like that, but trying to sort out any problem when someone has had a few drinks and the other person is moerig is a recipe for disaster!
So maybe go over one day during the week, and explain how the smoke bothers you and see if you can find a compromise. Maybe he can adjust the braai positioning or limit the braai sessions.
If talking nicely doesn't work, then it's time to get a bit more assertive. Find out about any local bylaws regarding braai smoke. If he's violating them, a friendly reminder from the authorities might be necessary.
The key here Felecia, is to find a solution that respects both your love of fresh air and his love of a good braai. With a little effort, you can turn this smoky situation into a sizzling friendship!
Q: Dear Auntie Pearl, it’s me again! I'm having mixed emotions about my ex and my current boyfriend. Here's a bit of context: I was engaged 4 years ago and we were living with his mother and just had our baby girl.
But my then-fiance relapsed back with the drugs. I tried to help him get into rehab to get clean again, he went but ran away after two days.
Then the abuse started, he first started accusing me of cheating on him, mind you I'm still healing from childbirth, and then he started hitting me, fast forward to the day he attacked me with my phone and hit a hole in my forehead, yes, a hole with the corner of my phone.
I opened a case and he went to jail but only got three years. I feel like I was failed by the justice system, I moved out of his mother's house with my two kids to live with my family in Delft.
I am currently in a relationship with an amazing guy. I wrote to Auntie a while ago about his drinking and not wanting to work, and he's shown improvement. He is drinking less and is more hands-on with my kids, however lately I have just been thinking about my ex a lot; I miss the things he did for me before he started abusing me.
Like, when I got home at night, our place would be clean, the kids bathed and in bed, and my bath water was ready and he waiting with a cup of tea.
But with my current boyfriend I don't get that. Yes, he is not working, and I can see he is really making an effort now to find a job.
But some days I just want a nice foot rub, which I also don't get. I also have to bathe the kids myself, as tired as I am.
Especially at those times I miss my ex-fiance. I know he nearly killed me, but how do I bring this to my boyfriend's attention without him thinking that I want my ex back?
I don't want him to think that I'm comparing them, I just want him to be a bit more affectionate towards me, especially after a long day at work.
A: My dear, first and foremost Auntie wants to commend you for having the courage to reach out and share your experiences. It takes strength to confront difficult emotions and seek guidance.
Your email shows just how difficult this situation is where past trauma and your current desires and needs get all mixed up. It's understandable that you're experiencing mixed emotions – on the one hand is the history of abuse, on the other there are the positive memories.
Maar luister nou mooi vir Auntie, it's crucial to prioritise the safety and well-being of yourself and your children above all else.
Abuse is never acceptable or justifiable, no matter the circumstances. Your ex’s actions led to physical harm and emotional distress, and you took a brave step by seeking help and removing yourself from that harmful situation.
Always remember that the moments of kindness and care from your ex-fiancé were overshadowed by the abuse and trauma you endured.
Now, in your current relationship, it's understandable that you crave affection and support, especially after going through such a challenging time.
Auntie is very happy to hear that your current berk is at least making an effort to address some of the concerns you previously shared. However, it's essential to communicate openly and honestly with him about your needs and feelings.
When approaching this conversation with your current boyfriend, focus on expressing your emotions and desires without comparing him to your ex. Start off by telling him that you appreciate the progress he's made and the efforts he's putting into the relationship.
Then, gently share your need for affection and support. Maar moet hom nou nie eerste tune jy soek bietjie meer foot rubs nie, rather be practical with assistance with bathing the children, particularly after a long day at work.
Frame the discussion around your shared goals for the relationship and how you can support each other moving forward, and how to strengthen the bond between you and create a more fulfilling partnership.
Remember, healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. If your current boyfriend is receptive to your concerns and willing to work together, it's a positive sign for the future of your relationship.
However, if he responds defensively or dismissively, it may be a red flag that warrants further reflection on the dynamics of your relationship.
Take care and stay strong hartjie.
** Talk to pear: SMS “Pearl” and your message to 33258, or email [email protected].