Q Hey Auntie Pearl, I got married young, and it didn’t work out.
Dit was niemand se skuld dat dinge gecrash en burn het nie… we were just kids and grew apart.
The divorce went pretty smoothly because we didn’t have much, and we stayed friends until my ex moved away and we lost touch after that.
Now, ten years later, I’m remarried to a wonderful woman and we’ve got a laaitie.
We’ve sukkeled the last couple of months, because I lost my job.
Thankfully, I recently got a new gig, but there’s just one problem… my ex is my manager.
I did not hide this from my wife, because I didn’t think it would be a big deal. Jirre Auntie, was I wrong! My wife went bos!
Not only was she angry at me for even considering this job, she started spying on my ex online, checking out all her social media, and then the whole time she asked me things like if I still think my ex is hot.
When I tell her there is nothing to worry about because I won’t even see my ex because she is in another office, my wife just doesn’t listen to reason.
Now she is even saying that if I love her, I should quit my job.
Auntie, I can’t do this, you know how hard it is to find a job. I tried to get my wife to go to counselling with our pastor, but she refused. What should I do?
From Stompie.
A Ag shame my dear, Auntie can feel your pain. But listen here, don’t quit your job. You are correct, it’s grim out there on the job front.
Jou hart is op die regte plek, and even though you sound like you are keeping it together, Auntie wants YOU to go to counselling.
Even if your wife doesn’t join you, you need support while you deal with this tough time in your marriage.
She’s obviously going through a rough patch, so be kind.
Make it clear to your wife that you will actively make an effort not to engage with your ex, even if this is what things are like anyway.
Tell her there will be no phone chats, no lunches together, niks van enige iets nie.
But she also needs to know that living with this kind of paranoia is not sustainable.
If she wants to stay married, she’s gotta put in some work too – whether that’s joining you in counselling, or managing her emotions so you don’t have to make unreasonable compromises.
Stay strong and show her you’re committed, but don’t let her drag you down.
Q, Hey Auntie, I’m in my mid-30s, and getting back into the dating game after a long break.
I’ve had to deal with moving, a loss in the family, an injury, en ‘n paar anner dinge.
But I made it through, and last year I met a guy who is a couple of years older than me.
Net sodat Auntie weet, at the start we were just friends. But after he asked me out the third time I thought “why not”... and it worked out lekker!
But here’s the thing, Auntie. This man is a 10, and I’m more like a 4.
He’s tall, dark and handsome, with a smile that would make Taye Diggs hang his head.
It’s always like people can’t believe he is with me, and it’s starting to hit my self-esteem hard.
Even his friends seem shocked. All his exes look like models.
I don’t do much makeup, I hate kort rokkies and heels. I have a nice smile, but I wear glasses and it might make me look weird.
Basically, ek is maar net ‘n Opel Corsa en hy is ‘n Ferrari!
I’m smart and funny, and I know I have a kwaai personality. But all people see is that he is so much “hotter” than me.
I don’t want to change who I am, and he seems to love me as I am. How do I stop these reactions from messing with my self-esteem?
From Plain Jane
A, Auntie’s loving your vibe - even though you are having an uphill time in the self-esteem department, you know your worth beyond looks!
If only more mense could stop worrying about what is on the outside, and start looking inside.
But what Auntie is thinking is that maybe a bit of this whole situation is in your head.
The “stares” and “reactions” you’re seeing could be more about how you’re expecting people to react, and not what is really happening.
People are usually too busy with their own lives to worry about mismatched couples.
But okay, let’s say you’re right about getting uitgekyk.
When people give you those shocked faces, be proud! Remind yourself: “They don’t know the deep connection we have. They’re superficial, and that’s their problem, not ours.”
Focus on your happiness in the relationship.
You’re bringing so much more to the table than just looks. Embrace that.
dailyvoice@inl.co.za