Q: Hi Auntie, I’m flipping out and could use some of your wisdom.
I’m a 42-year-old man, and my partner is 38. We’ve been living together for five years, and things were solid between us… or so I thought.
Back when we first got bymekaar, she admitted to me that when she was younger she had some hook-ups with women, but was straight now.
No worries, I thought, we clicked and had a fantastic connection.
Then, bam! About a year ago, she jols with a woman she met at the gym.
It crushed me when I found out, but she told me it was a mistake, a moment of weakness, and she was sorting out some confusion about her sexuality.
She said she “got it out of her system”, and I believed her, so I took her back.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and she’s acting all dodgy again. She is secretive with her phone, and not keen on getting cozy like before.
I pressed her about it because it was too much like last time.
Turns out, she’s having some vibes with a woman from work. They haven’t done anything, but I knew there was trouble coming.
I couldn’t handle it, Auntie, I just couldn’t. I told her we needed a break, and she moved out two weeks ago.
I miss her verskriklik, but something tells me she’s not being straight with me about who she is.
Should I even think about taking her back, or is it time to let go for good?
– From Woman Trouble
A: Hartjie, let Auntie sommer jump right in and tell you that trust is the foundation of any relationship. And once that starts cracking, everything else can come tumbling down.
Your lady was open and honest at the start of the relationship, but then she cheated.
Was it really just once? Are you sure nothing happened with the new woman from work?
It’s understandable that you’re feeling all mixed up and unsure about what to do.
You’ve obviously got a big heart, my dear, taking her back the first time with hopes of mending what was broken. But this repeated secretive behaviour and flirting?
That’s a sign that she might not be fully committed to the relationship, regardless of her sexual orientation.
Speaking of her exploring her sexuality – that’s a journey she has to navigate, but it shouldn’t come at the cost of your peace of mind.
It’s important that she’s honest with herself about who she is, and equally important that she’s honest with you.If she’s still figuring things out, she needs to be upfront about it so you can decide how, or if, you fit into each other’s lives moving forward.
If you find that trust is just too hard to rebuild, it might be time to let go.
Remember, you deserve someone who loves and chooses you openly, without any reservations or secrets.
It’s not just about her finding herself, it’s also about you living a life where you feel valued and secure.
Give yourself some time to think about what you truly want and what you can live with.
Sometimes, the hardest choices lead to the happiest places.
Q: Dear Auntie Pearl, my parents have fallen deep down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories, and it’s starting to freak me out big time.
I’m in my 30’s and I have long since moved out of the house.
I still live close to my parents, but over the past couple of years I have not always seen them very often. You know mos, Auntie, a person gets busy and starts building his own life.
Anyway, things started getting weird during the pandemic when they spent so much time on the internet.
While they are at least not flat earth mallies, they have become convinced that there is some secret rich person organisation that is running not only South Africa’s government, but the entire world.
Ek sweet, Auntie, it’s like listening to the plot of some B-grade wannabe James Bond movie.
And whenever I try to bring them back to reality, they just call me a sheep for trusting the mainstream media.
It's gone from bad to worse… they're now even supporting some group who says it’s fighting the “overlords”.
My parents are chucking money at these crazy people and even racking up debt like there's no tomorrow, thinking they’ll get back all their money “and then some” when the bad guys lose.
Dit maak f*k*l sense!
And to top it off, they're trying to drag the rest of the family into it too.
Auntie, I'm worried sick they're getting scammed and it's going to ruin their lives.
How can I knock some sense into them and pull them out of this mess?
– From JJ
A: Aai tog, the internet and these bleddie conspiracy theories.
We’ve all seen how many people fall for some of the nonsense there is online. And some it can be dangerous!
It really got out of hand during Covid nuh. When times are tough, these scammers provide “answers” and “security” for people who are in a panic.
Shame JJ, Auntie can imagine it's tough watching the ones you love get tangled up in such troubling gedagtes.
Unfortunately, the reality is that you can’t force them to change their minds if they’re not ready to listen.
But you’re not powerless! There are a few steps you can take to try and guide them back to firmer ground.
Keep the lines open: Even though it’s tough, try to keep communicating with them.
Avoid getting angry or calling their beliefs “crazy”, even if they seem that way to you. Sometimes, just knowing someone is there who cares can make a big difference down the line.
Educate gently: Instead of confronting them directly, which might make them dig their heels in deeper, try sharing stories or articles about similar situations where people were misled.
Sometimes seeing it from a third-party perspective helps put things into context.
Encourage critical thinking: You have to arm yourself with knowledge, so read up on what they believe.
Ask them questions that make them think critically about their beliefs. For example, “What specific evidence supports this theory?” or “Could there be another side to this story?”
Sometimes, getting people to articulate the basis of their beliefs can lead them to see the flaws in their logic.
Protect yourself and the family: Make sure their actions aren’t dragging you or other family members down financially or emotionally. Set boundaries if you need to, especially when it comes to financial matters.
Plan an intervention: If things get out of hand, you might want to consider staging an intervention. Gather friends and family who are also concerned, and express your worries in a supportive, non-judgmental way. Sometimes a united front can push through the denial.
It’s clear you love your parents, and it’s heartbreaking to see them this way. Just remember that you also need to look after yourself.
Don’t carry the burden alone. Reach out to others in your family or close circle who might share your concerns.
Together, you might just find the strength to pull them back.
** Talk to pear: SMS “Pearl” and your message to 33258, or email [email protected].