TWEEGEVRIET: Now’s the time to dump that nasty bridesmaid

Q Dear Aunty Merle, I am a ball of stress. It’s been a long year and while I am finally on holiday, I am getting married on the 3rd of January.

You can’t imagine how hectic it’s been.

I’m actually OK with the organising and I am not even worried about anything going wrong, or nervous about my hubby-to-be. My problem is my one bridesmaid.

Aunty, die t!ef is being onbeskof to me all the time.

It started with some nasty comments. Like she hinted that I might want to lose some weight for the big day. Then I heard she was skinnering to my other friends about how ugly she thinks some of my decoration choices are. This was already a few months ago.

It has gotten much worse since then. It is like she is not interested in me at all, she does not comment or like my posts on social media, only sometimes when she “laughs” at me when I say something like I am nervous or that I hope nothing goes wrong.

She did not even come to my birthday last month.

What must I do? Must I just ignore her as well and keep her as a bridesmaid, or must I confront her and kick her out of the wedding?

From Blushing Bride Bernice

A My Dearest Bernice

No bride-to-be should have to go through what you are currently going through. This is supposed to be the most exciting time of your life!

I cannot believe that you have taken so much nonsense from this girl up until this point. You deserve a trophy just for that!

I can only imagine that she must be very pretty. Because many people tolerate nonsense from pretty bridesmaids at least those bridesmaids can make your wedding photos look lovely. But even that is totally ridiculous!

Oh, no! If I were in your shoes, ages ago, I would have told her where to get off her Translux bus!

Let me explain something to you: your bridesmaid is supposed to be like your best friend - your bridesmaid is supposed to be your ultimate support; your bridesmaid is supposed to have your back, no matter what.

This one sounds like she’s straight out of a horror movie and possessed by two-and-a-half-dozen devils.

I would not trust someone like that anywhere close to my veil on my wedding day - as jy weer kom kyk, you’ll be falling over that little bridge in Claremont Gardens for the whole world to see - no thanks to you-know-who.

You say that it all started a little while ago when she started talking about how you should consider losing weight for the big day.

OK, now there I can’t judge her too harshly because you don’t exactly want to walk up the aisle looking like you just had three mutton salomies and four daltjies. Save that for the honeymoon. Be sensible.

But I have to judge her harshly when you say that she’s been skinnering behind your back about your choice of decorations.

That immediately tells me that the snake has got more than one face. Pardon my French: tweege- vriet! And that absolutely tells me that she cannot be trusted.

If she’s like that about your decorations, can you imagine what she will do behind your back with your man!

This then is my advice to you: the girl is poisonous. You don’t want that bad energy around you.

You don’t want that second princess of darkness holding your bouquet while you sign your life away in that register while the vocalist is singing AT LAST.

You have to get rid of her like you would a stubborn curry stain on a cream cable-jersey.

Once you are done reading this, please WhatsApp her immediately. I always prefer to type delicate matters out on WhatsApp because then guilty people with forked tongues don’t get a chance to interrupt a person.

Write this on WhatsApp: “Listen, it has come to my attention over the last few months that you have been having issues with me.

Issues with my weight, issues with my wedding decorations, and goodness know what else.

“You seem to have many opinions you like to share. So I want to give you all the time in the world to go from door to door to share whatever you want with whomever you want - it must take up a lot of energy - and that’s why I think it’s best to release you from having to be my bridesmaid.

“So now you can rather just focus on doing what you do best - sharing your opinions with all and sundry.

“Have a lovely Christmas and a beautiful new year. Because I won’t see you until then.”

That’s my advice to you dear.

All my Love, Aunty Merle.