Q
Dear Auntie Pearl, I am sitting with such a problem and I really want to help my parents.
The thing is this, my mother had an arranged marriage 60 years ago. My father can be a good man, but a difficult man. He physically and emotionally abused my mom.
She is very old school and never even raised her voice or made a rude comment.
He also jolled around when they were younger. She found out about it because he didn’t hide it very well.
Now a few years ago she was in an accident and she is partly paralysed. This made her very verbally abusive towards my daddy, and I feel very sorry for him. He is also her carer and has to do a lot for her. But I think she hates him and tells him off all day.
Now he phones me to moan about my mom, and she phones me telling me my dad is a vark.
They don’t believe in divorce and now I am sitting in the middle.
Aaeesha
A
As-salamu alaykum Aaeesha. Shame, meisie, you really are stuck between a rock and a hard place, nuh. But let Auntie just tune you something you probably don’t want to hear and probably won’t agree with – it’s time to laat staan your parents and their problems and focus on you, your life and your dinge.
You can always be the middle man trying to make both your parents happy and keep them from fighting. Hulle is mos nie kinners nie, Aaeesha.
Where does it end? If they’ve been married for 60 bleddie years, dan is hulle mos oud en lelik genoeg om na hulle self te kyk of hoe? That being said, it must be a very difficult situation.
From your dad cheating and growing up with them and now having to keep both parents happy, and sympathise with both as both use you as a pillar, a rock, a confident and it’s time that ends! And you need to tell them.
Your mom’s repressed hurt and anger from all those years of abuse are now spilling out of her like a Jojo tank after the rain.
Their relationship is a very difficult one and with their age, their history and her being partly paralysed, things will probably just get more difficult.
How about getting a carer to come to the house for your mom? This would give your parents a break from each other… This is a very delicate and difficult situation and Auntie skeem it’s time to get some professional help, start here:
Famsa has counselling options which they could benefit from. Their head office is in Observatory, phone 072 144 70170 / 082 231 4470 for an appointment. They have offices and counselling in Khayelitsha, Mitchells Plain, Elsies River and Du Noon. So there’s really no excuse. You can just phone the Observatory office on 021 447 7951 / 082 231 0373 to find out more.
Muslim Judicial Council (SA) has various options to look into and would be able to assist with some advice. Auntie’s sure you know, but they are at 20 Cashel Avenue, Athlone or phone 021 684 4600.