Q
Dear Auntie Pearl, I have the worst life and I want to die.
I am 15 years old and I am a boy, but I am also gay and as they say, I am still in the closet and I’ve never told anyone.
I hate my life because I know if I tell my mom and grandma they will hate me, and I think I actually hate the fact that I am gay.
I feel so sad all the time. What can I do, Auntie?
I hate myself and I want to die.
A
Hartjie, take a deep breath and listen carefully – you are loved, you are worthy, you are blessed and there is no need for you to die because you are gay.
Get that idea immediately out of your head.
Auntie feels your pain, and I’m not surprised that you think you have the worst life in the world.
Let me tell you something: Many teens go through these kinds of feelings of despair and worthlessness.
A lot of this has to do with your crazy hormones and you just have to ride it out like the rest of us adults did.
Now, some teens such as yourself do have a little more on their spades than others, and having crazy feelings about your sexuality is not unique, trust me.
Being gay is not wrong, or bad or ‘the worst thing in the world’.
Yes, it may seem scary and hopeless at the moment, and it’s a lot of feelings to deal with on your own.
So what you need is someone to talk to and guide you through this.
What makes you think your mom and ouma are going to hate you for being gay?
Have they spoken about homosexuality before?
Some mense are just homophobic and need to be educated.
If your family is like this, it would be a good idea to speak to someone outside the family, like a councillor or good friend, who can then be with you when you break the news to your mammie.
But auntie suggests you try and talk to you mom yourself first. She might surprise you, hartjie.
Tell her you’re going through hell and because she’s your mother, you are trusting her to help you through this and then you open your heart.
Here are some things to think about beforehand:
Pick a good time and place, like when you two are alone. Realise there’s never going to a be a perfect moment, so have courage.
Wait until your mom is in a good mood and relaxed. Don’t spring this on her when she just arrived from work, moeg and moeilik.
Start by telling your mom how much you love and value her opinion and why it is important for her to understand what you’re going through.
She will possibly be disappointed, confused and angry, and need time to process this information, so don’t expect miracles.
There are two organisations auntie wants you to contact right away – The Triangle Project and The South African Depression and Anxiety Group.
The Triangle Project is a non-profit human rights organisation for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex (LGBTI) persons, their partners and families. They will be able to help you and guide you. Phone them on 021 422 0255.
You can also find them on Facebook.
The South African Depression and Anxiety Group can also help you deal with your feelings of despair. Contact a counsellor between 8am-8pm Monday to Sunday by calling 011 234 4837.
If you are feeling suicidal, urgently contact 0800 567 567 and they also have a 24-hour Helpline on 0800 456 789.
There are people out there who want to help, so please do auntie a favour and contact them. You sound like a strong and amazing young man who has a bright and beautiful future ahead of you.