Q
Dear Auntie Pearl, I am having nightmares all the time about something that happened in my past.
About 20 years ago I was seeing a girl and everything was great until she became pregnant. I wanted her to keep the baby, but her parents made her get an abortion.
A few weeks later, she called me all serious and said she wanted to see me. It was weird, because we had been seeing each other still all the time.
Anyway Auntie, we met for coffee and she told me that she is moving away to go to university and that she never wants to see me again.
She also said she is going to think about us and this situation for the rest of her life.
After this, we obviously lost contact. But I do know now that she later got married and has a daughter.
I’m also now happily married with a child.
My problem is that I still have nightmares about what happened 20 years ago with her and between us.
I just want to see her and say sorry. Am I wrong to feel this way? Should I try and contact her?
From Jerome
A
Ag, shame man, Jerome, this really is a lot to deal with.
To be carrying this load for two decades must weigh heavily on your shoulders.
You did not tell Auntie how old you were when all this went down, but I’m not just going to assume you were a nat-agter-die-ore teenager.
We all make mistakes, no matter how old we are. And it was clearly a mistake not to use protection. Hoor julle almal!
But we can’t change the past, so let Auntie not gaan aan about the abortion and all that; you have problems to deal with today.
Perhaps the reason you are hanging onto this is because she said she would think about what you had every day. Are you not doing the same?
Do you feel that because her parents forced her to get an abortion, they also forced her to break up with you and that you might have had a future together?
Hartjie, it’s very sweet of you to want to talk to her after all this time, but Auntie doesn’t think it’s a good idea.
It rather seems that the problem is with you, and that you are the one who can’t let go and move on. It’s been 20 years, and perhaps she has healed and is now living a kwaai life. Meeting up again could open old wounds for her.
This whole situation can also mean groot moeilikheid for your own marriage!
Have you told your wife about what happened? Getting in touch with an ex, especially one who was pregnant with your child, might really upset your wife.
Put yourself in their shoes, and think how it might make them feel.
It rather sounds to Auntie like you need to talk to someone professional about this if it is still bothering you after so many years.
You are the one who needs to heal, and that’s not something you are going to be able to do on your own.