Q Dear Auntie Pearl, I don't even know where to start.
A few years ago I broke up with my ex.
We have a child together, which he does not support or see and not because I don’t allow it but because he chooses to ignore her existence.
Since we broke up he has been with about seven different women claiming his undying love on Facebook and pictures of them together, having a ball.
Auntie, the problem here is this man makes me sick when I see these things and yet when I see him in person all that anger and resentment disappears for some reason.
I could be how far away from him and I would recognise him by his walk, when he gets close up to me my stomach turns and I take in everything in front of me like the shape of his eyebrows, his hair, his lips, everything.
I feel like I’m going mad, one day I hate him so much for the fact that he can treat our child like this and the next my knees get weak when I see him.
I get so angry with myself because of how he makes me feel, and the sad part is I know he’s moved on, hence the many girlfriends but how do I stop feeling like this when I see him?
I don’t want to feel anything for him. I don’t want to like him or even hate him.
What do I do?
And please Auntie, can you not mention my name?
I don’t want him to see this in the paper and know it's me.
A Ag jirre sweetheart, Auntie’s heart mos breaks for you, child.
This sounds like a horrible situation you are in, and this baby daddy of yours sounds like a creep – someone who skeems he’s God’s gift to women and who needs a few warme klappe!
Who does this bra skeem he is? Womaniser of note by the sounds of it.
Meisie, Auntie can tell you this: the hardest breakup to get over is always ones where there are children involved.
It’s an old saying but it’s true. If you share a child with someone, you will always be linked to that person whether you want to or not.
And what a piece of work this ex-berk is for not wanting to be involved in his child's life and not stepping up and being a dad, but he’s got time and money for girlfriends and social media. Sies!
The honest truth is that you will never forget your ex.
There will be times that you will look into your laaitie’s eyes and see your ex, or your laaitie will do something, or say something, and it will make you think about your ex.
It’ss natural, your ex is a part of that child.
You shouldn't be trying to necessarily forget, but rather to learn to accept what has happened, learn to be at peace with it, and move on, meisie.
But Auntie’s knows it is easier said than done.
As my mammie always said, “the past is the past, but the past should not be forgotten”.
This relationship with your ex has ended, so if you need some help to move on, go for counselling, meisie.
Only you can get yourself out of this mess, no one else.
Read, do research, learn about breakups and about parenting, and the most important thing – do the best you can and be the best you can be and make your laaitie your priority.
Auntie’s not saying it’s going to be easy but it can be done.
You and that child should be your only focus, and this ex of yours can go fly a kite!
Your letter also got Auntie thinking about why it is you are feeling like this, and what you can do about it:
Maybe you are lonely. One of the reasons you're not letting go of this relationship could be because you are lonely. But this bra is definitely not worth it, so rather focus on yourself, girl! Things like your job, your child, maybe a hobby, exercising, friends, or just anything that makes you happy. Remember it’s much better to be single than to be with the wrong person.
Maybe it’s all these posts and new girlfriends you are seeing of him on social media. So, unfriend him, unfollow him, block him, alles. Ignorance is bliss.
You don’t need to know what he’s doing and who he’s dating – daai’s onnodig!
Maybe you miss him. people are mos social beings. So that means even if someone is wrong for us, we sometimes just can’t walk away from them. Without relationships, people can start to feel lonely, which can then develop into depression and anxiety, and also only seeing the good things, and lekker things, about them when you see them in front of you.
Maybe you didn’t get closure. he hurt you by leaving, he hurt you when he didn’t want to be a dad, and he hurts you still with all this showing off and new vrouens on social media. You probably never got closure and this means you could be having an inability to understand a situation, and feel powerless to change it.
Maybe you still care for him and love him. Every time you see him in front of you all those feelings come rushing back and your brain literally forgets what a box he really is.
Maybe he just feels familiar and it’s lekker. If you see him, and his familiar face, walk, and dinge, then it just brings back all those fond memories and ‘what ifs’.
Maybe you still skeem you can change him….but forget about that, no one can change other people, they must want to do that for themselves.
Maybe it’s because you are still in contact. It sounds like you see him a lot, in real life and on your socials, and daai’s going to make it bleddie difficult to move on because you're still in contact with your ex.