Q Dear Auntie Pearl, I think my marriage is over. Or at least amper verby.
The honeymoon phase was never really there to begin with.
Honestly, we got married because of family pressure and all our friends were doing it.
And it’s been going on now for three years and I’m tired. I give up.
I want a divorce, but I don’t know if it’s just me or what?
Are there specific signs to look out for that my marriage is over, that it’s toxic and bad for us to stay married?
We fight a lot. I wish there were easy answers to these things. Please help me.
A My dear C, it’s important to look at the whole picture – and seeing as Auntie don’t have all the information available, it’s important to firstly point out that no-one’s so-called ‘honeymoon phase’ lasts forever.
And hartjie, it’s completely normal to fight with someone you’re married to, daai milly couples who tune you that they never fight, vir HULLE moet jy pasop!
Anyways, back to your problem, C, you sound gatvol, you sound tired, you sound like you’ve made up your mind.
But saying that, it’s important to know when it’s going from ‘normal’ married life into a toxic, problem marriage that’s more dysfunctional than functional.
So for you, and for all the other mense who feel trapped and confused in their relationships or marriages, let’s dig a bit deeper….
Now meisie, the purpose of a romantic relationship is what? To provide a sense of security and emotional support mos.
And there is no shame in therapy and couples counselling, which you can access for free.
Couples sometimes need a third, objective person – and no, your taanie or tjommie does not count – to give them a clearer picture of the state of their relationship.
You can contact FAMSA at their head office in Observatory to find out more hartjie – 9 Bowden Road, Observatory, or phone 021 447 0170 / 082 231 4470 to make an appointment.
That being said, sadly, not all relationships can be saved.
And if one party does not want it to be saved, which sounds like you, sweetie, then you can stand on your head, but nothing will change.
Try to answer these questions as honestly as possible:
Do you stay angry at each other or do you talk things out?
Do your fight’s turn ugly and you call each other names and dinge?
Is your guy criticising you, blaming you, or rude to you? And are you doing the same to him?
Are you keeping secrets from him and feel he’s doing the same to you?
Do you trust each other? Do you think he’s cheating, or are you cheating?
Does he try to control you – how you dress, what you do, what you eat, who you see?
Do you have sex, are there cuddles, hugs, kisses, or any affection at all?
Does he hit you, or have you done the same to him?
These are all signs of a toxic relationship and for most people, it’s best to get out.
Take some time to think this over, c and if you still feel it’s time to go, then dala what you must girl.