Q Dear Auntie Pearl, for about nine years I have been dating this guy, I won’t say his name, let’s call him E.
He is a close friend of my brother-in-law’s and he’s always been almost like part of the family, since my sister married her hubby.
We were dating and it was all kwaai, but then the last two years or so is when he became a bietjie abusive.
I broke up with him the beginning of the year, just before lockdown, lucky for me. I am glad I wasn’t stuck with him for a few months.
But the thing is he’s sneaky and keeps coming back into my life. He’s got a very gladde bek and I used to fall for it, not anymore.
But my sister and her hubby do. They are still close.
So I will still see him because we will often be at my sister’s house together and he’s such a vark with me, in front of others as well.
He makes things uncomfortable every time we are at the same place.
He has ruined parties at my sister’s place because he will get dronk and then behave like a vuilgat. And then obviously I don’t stand back and we make a spectacle.
The thing is my sister and her husband say I am the problem and the reason he’s acting like this and they say he can’t possibly have abused me because he’s not that kind of guy.
What must I do Auntie? I want to see my sister, but this guy who I used to date is making it very difficult.
A Listen up L, let Auntie just tell you that you have most definitely made the correct call when you dumped this gemors of an ou.
Jirre, he mos sounds like a real slegte boyfriend, like a bad apple in a bag full of lekker fresh ones.
Imagine you were stuck with him during the hard lockdown! Things could have really gotten very ugly, meisie. Auntie is glad you made the call and that you are currently safe.
Auntie’s not going to lie though, Auntie’s many things but not a liegbek, the fact that he’s all close and tjommie-tjommie with your sister and her man makes this nogals a bit complicated, hoor.
A family affair. Always difficult to navigate soes hulle sê.
Some wise words from your friendly Auntie: There are two sides to a story. And sometimes it’s difficult to know which side of a story, and which person in a story, one should believe.
You’ve been there, Auntie’s sure of that.
Now one of the reasons scum like your ex who abuse women get away with it, is because hulle is tweegevriet – in front of other mense they are like an honest to God Disney movie Prince Charming, when in reality they are just gemorste.
It can be difficult to get others to see the situation through your eyes hartjie, and Auntie has no quick fix.
Also, while we’re on the point – abuse is no joke and to say he only abused you a “bietjie” is like saying he only raped you a “bietjie”.
Abuse is abuse and it can escalate very, very quickly. In this situation it would be best to be safe rather than sorry.
You need to convince your sister and her hubby of his real true self.
Auntie suggests you sit down with them, be calm, and speak to them honestly about what he
has done to you, and how he has treated you.
They need to know who they are friends with. Even if the truth hurts and is ugly.
The sad reality is maybe your sister and her husband won’t ever believe you and won’t change.
You could end up losing them both. But at least then you would have been true to yourself.
Remember that you could always go the legal route and open a case with police.
Let the law deal with this abusive vark. Or reach out and contact one of these organisations for some more useful advice on the matter:
FAMSA (Family and Marriage Society of SA) who provide counselling, education and training for people who need help with relationship issues. Call 011 975 7106/7.
LifeLine will give anonymous, confidential and accessible telephonic information, counselling and referrals in all 11 official languages to survivors, witnesses and perpetrators of gender-based violence. Call 0800 150 150.
Saartjie Baartman Centre for Women and Children have a 24-hour crisis response, legal assistance and counselling. Call 021 633 5287.