Q
I just love your column and the honest advice that you dish out.
Nou sit ek met so a little situation of my own that I would like your years of wisdom on.
Where to start?
I was in a relationship some 20 odd years ago that meant a lot to both of us involved back then.
We went through a lot of challenges together and at the end of the day, our love grew stronger as we faced our troubles together head-on and we still remained true to each other.
However, family got involved, and because we were so young back then, we couldn’t see that not everybody had our best interests at heart.
We got torn apart because of pressures exerted on our relationship by the outside forces and eventually, I was the one that turned away from someone that meant so much to me.
The choices that I made back then, hurt and affected me so much, that I ended up getting married to the wrong person for all the wrong reasons.
Needless to say, my marriage was a complete disaster and only lasted for five years because, obviously, my heart belonged to someone else.
We have kept in touch on and off through the years and from our many conversations, I gathered that she also made the same mistake that I made by marrying someone while your heart and thoughts are with another.
Hence my predicament... even though we kept in touch through the years, we’ve never lived close enough to each other to be able to meet face to face but now the meeting is very possible.
We have discussed this at length but it seems that we both share the same fears.
We never really got closure when our relationship ended because I tried to make a clean break and I just wanted to get over losing her and rebuilding my life, but man, did I fail miserably.
She is still married but her husband, from what I can gather, is not living with her and the children and their marriage is also a total mess.
I’ve been in a steady relationship for the past eight years.
I am devoted to my current partner, but I just don’t share these deep-rooted feelings with her.
I didn’t even mention my first love to my current partner, even though she knows about my ex-wife and my life history (minus my true-love story).
Even after 20 years, I can still feel her spirit within me. It’s like I can feel her heartache and I can sense her pain and I so much just want to hold her close and protect her and make sure that she is fine.
I know that we would be wrong if we tried to rekindle our romance after all these years, but truth be told, I have never and I guess I never will, feel again what I felt for this woman.
I know it might sound naïve but I believe life only blesses us with one TRUE LOVE. Being a grown-up now, I realise that she was mine.
We both have agreed that we need closure because we didn’t break up because we couldn’t get along or we argued a lot or we cheated, nothing like that, we just left the relationship and went our separate ways.
But now we are scared that if we should meet and try to find closure, that this relationship can go either way – we can either start over after all these years or it will eventually turn into a memory for both of us and it seems as if neither of us are ready to let go. What to do?
Your advice and wisdom will be much appreciated.
From Dazed and Confused.
A
Sjoe, what a tragic love story we have here. Mister D&C, Auntie can go on for pages about your story, but let’s not drag things out any more – you have already been in limbo for two decades.
Here’s how Auntie sees it: You have to go back and see whether the connection between you and your “true love” can still work.
Now before everyone judges Auntie as a home-wrecker, hear me out.
If you are together with someone you do not fully love, and you are in fact still in love with someone from your past, you are not being fair to your current partner.
In fact, even though you have been with your new partner for eight years, Auntie can see this relationship also going down the drain, because you are still obsessed with your first girl.
You will never be able to have a mature, solid, lasting relationship until you get this “first love” out of your life. Either that, or you need to have a life with her.
If she is longing after you, then she is being just as unfair to her husband.
Just remember, she has a husband and children, and you have to respect that. So don’t push. If she says no, she doesn’t want to meet with you, then you need to let it go.
But you have to talk to her. Not just praatjies about what-ifs and your dreams, you have to decide if you really are each other’s true loves, or whether you two have just been clinging to a fantasy for the past 20 years.
Also, you're with your partner for a reason so obviously she offers you something.
It’s time to get off the fence, make a decision, and get some closure once and for all.